Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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