i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize
