I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
