just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
