I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
don't judge my taste in strippers
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
