What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
