you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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