I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." ๐ ๐๐ท
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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