i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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