So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
