Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
