i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
