I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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