Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
