I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize