can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize