you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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