why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
