whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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