I just threw up on my dentist
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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