Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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