i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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