Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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