and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
