he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You are a genius and a whore.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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