"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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