"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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