I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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