piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
