I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
