Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
