Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
