you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
