you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
