I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
