I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Randomize
