My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
