I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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