my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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