you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
