i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize