I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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