So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
