I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
