i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it glows. i had to have it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
