he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
