Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
