Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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