Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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