can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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