textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
