Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
