Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
