If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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