I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
