they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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