Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
