6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
