I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize