I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize